Member-only story
OPEN LETTER
A Local’s Guide To Making The Most Of Your Time At The Jersey Shore
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On behalf of the permanent residents of the Jersey Shore, those of us who don’t leave town the minute the temperature drops below 75ºF or the days shorten in length by a fraction of a second, we’d like to congratulate you on your decision to visit one of our world-class beaches this summer. To make the most of your visit, we would like to offer a few helpful guidelines that we feel will add to your enjoyment.
These aren’t rules, of course, but mere suggestions. We would never be so presumptuous, as we are well aware that the cost of your weekly rental is more than we paid for any of our paltry non-barrier-island hovels, and we respect your well-earned sense of entitlement.
We want you to be as free as possible to trample the hopes and dreams of our youth while in the process of pissing away more wealth in a week than they’ll make all year. We’re not jealous, mind you, just a bit in awe of the sheer brazenness of your wanton disregard for the planet you share with us. We would be worried, but you don’t seem bothered in the least, which we find impressive. We chuckle about it all winter long as we huddle around a single, smoldering chunk of coal.
